Are You Collecting Marriage Pebbles?

We accumulate tiny pebbles of hurt throughout our childhood and adult lives. These pebbles becomes a heavy weight that we carry into our relationships, even marriages. After some time, the weight of these pebbles begin to affect our relationships and marriages. 

“Get rid of these pebbles!” was the central message guest speakers of this year’s marriage convention want you to hear.

My husband and I had the privilege to be invited to the private opening ceremony of Marriage Convention 2014 last Friday (21 March). It was enlightening to say the least.

Guest-of-Honour Ms Low Yen Ling, Parliamentary Secretary of Ministry of Social and Family Development, ended her opening and welcome speech with this quote by Dave Meurer of “Daze of Our Wives” fame: 

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” 

This year’s keynote speakers at the convention were Tina Konkin, Founding Director of R3 R3lationship Help Centers, and expert coaches husband and wife duo, Phil and Tammy Hotsenpiller.

The symbolic vase of pebbles and stones we accumulate as individuals and couples.

“You cannot change or heal what you cannot acknowledge.” says Tina Konkin

Tina explains that every person carries a certain amount of rocks into their relationships. When those rocks are not thrown out or dealt with, the friction creates anger and resentment that fuels an unhealthy relationship. She believes that you can achieve healthy relationships by following these 3 simple steps – Reveal, Rewrite and Renew. She shares a little about her life, the affair of her husband, her forgiveness of him, and their reunion that ultimately led to the birth of their third child.

My daughter and I with Tina Konkin.

Phil Hotsenpiller agrees: “You can’t heal until you reveal.” 

Phil shared about his abandonment issues that stemmed from having an absent father who worked for the American government. He understands now as an adult why his dad was constantly not around but that did not stop him from having abandonment issues. He confess that it was only last year that he realized he had abandonment issues. And that revelation opened doors to understanding his own behaviors to his son. His wife, Tammy Hotsenpiller also shared how that understanding foster their fledgling father-son relationship.

Tammy then shared some tips to identify the pebbles or our desires and strategies to override the negative thoughts.  Here are a couple of good ones:

“Until you recognize what you need, you are not going to get it.”

and

“Until you value yourself, no one will do that for you.”

The family with Tina Konkin and Phil Hotsenpillar.

“All men are big boys,” said Phil.

The ladies whom I attended a Parent Facilitator Class with posing with the guests speakers, including Tammy Hotsenpiller (third from right).

 I didn’t make it to any of their workshops over the weekend as the tickets were snapped up months in advance. But it was a thought-provoking session that made me think of some of the pebbles I’ve been carrying around for a long, long time. The pebble stories my friend, is best left for another post.