It’s been a while. Your hubby has been a bit distracted. You are not entirely certain, and you don’t want to be too suspicious but you can’t help wondering: Is he cheating on me?
Citrix Chee, a counsellor from the Kang Ren Counselling Services has seen her fair share of cheating spouses. She shares that the main reasons for infidelity are the husbands’ inability to resist the advances from China ladies, or temptations from female colleagues, but she also adds that communication barrier between the couple and unavailability of the wife as a sexual partner to the husband are also contributing factors to extramarital affairs.
When a man is unfaithful to his wife, there is generally an increase in secrecy, abnormal changes in behaviour and attitude and an unexplained distance between the two of you. Here are some clues to look out for if you suspect your trust is being betrayed:
- “How good do I look?” When your man suddenly becomes overly concerned with his looks, he is either coming out of the closet, going through a midlife crisis or cheating on you. Either way, it probably spells trouble. Observe his sudden change in grooming habits such as getting or changing to a new cologne, obsession with going to the gym, or getting a new hairstyle or wardrobe. Be mindful if he acts like a teenager going on his first date.
- “I have to work.” Watch out for any sudden changes to his work schedule, for example is he working late or travelling more than usual? The work commitments are usually not in the office and he is snappish whenever you try to inquire about his schedule. A cheating man doesn’t want to be accountable for his whereabouts.
- “I need to answer this call or email. It’s urgent.” Is he taking calls at irregular hours of the day or night? Does he drop his voice or answer in a softer tone when he takes particular calls? Loud warning bells should go off if your husband suddenly begins to excuse himself and takes his calls privately, out of your hearing range, and not giving you any plausible reasons for the calls. Or if he begins to spend excessive amounts of time on the computer, answering emails or replying to face book comments (that are not yours).
- “Please don’t touch my cell phone.” Does he password protect his cell phone, computer, email and or Facebook account? The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, or cell phone texts So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer.
- “I want more or no sex.” Another symptom of infidelity is a change in sexual desire. Cheating husbands will often stop having sex with their wives or suddenly want to have more. The latter is usually to assuage their guilt.
- “I need some space or alone time.” A man who has betrayed his marriage covenant may act aggressively towards his wife. He may start to pick fights or find faults with her to justify his reason for having his affair. If your husband has a sudden adverse change in attitude towards you, your family or home life, your guard should go up.
- “Where has the money gone?” If your husband suddenly has no money to spend on you, your children or your family, you should be concern. Having an affair is costly, requiring your husband to spend money on flowers, wining & dining, gifts or dirty weekends away. But some husbands are crafty and will make use of company expenses or become adept at hiding their expenses from you. Check his wallet for unexplainable receipts or look for more obvious signs like random purchases or unfamiliar scents on his body or clothes.
- “Why are you carrying a condom?” Look out for physical clues of an affair such as lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odours on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on underwear. Are there unexplained bits of paper, receipts, and condoms in his pockets?
- “Something is just not right.” Sometimes, despite all your precaution, it might be hard to track a devious cheater. Trust your intuition or gut feeling if something is not right. Whether your husband is cheating on you or not, your investigations may lead to new discoveries.
But if you are still not sure, or you know that he IS cheating on you, here are a few websites to help you catch your cheating spouse.
= geylangchecker.blogspot.com – a female vigilante website exposing men for cheating with prostitutes.
= www.dpquest.com – a detective agency that will help you get concrete evidence against your cheating spouse.
= www.catchcheatingspouse.org.sg/ – a portal that supplies a list of private investigators in Singapore
There is nothing worse or more difficult than the realization or suspicion that the one person whom you trusted and loved most is cheating on you. According to the Statistics on Marriages and Divorces, 2010, divorces among Singaporeans are still high; especially those aged 35 – 44. Couples who were married for up to 10 years accounted for the largest group of divorces last year. 97% of these applicants cited “unreasonable behaviour” and “having lived apart or separated for three years or more” as main reasons for divorce.
But not all infidelity cases end up in the Divorce Courts. Chee says that couples can choose counselling as recourse but the success of these sessions depends on several factors:
1) The initial communication between the couple before the affair started. If the husband had felt abused emotionally or psychologically by the wife and found solace in the “other” woman, he may not wish to continue the relationship with his wife.
2) The reason the affair began in the first place – was it one-time faux pas, sexual frustration at home or a long-term affair with the lover. “It all depends on the mom,” Chee says. “Usually the female wants to save the relationship; if it is a first offence, the wife is more willing to forgive. However, if it is repeated offences, the marriage is often dissolved.”
3) Are there children involved? Children play an integral part in the reconciliation process. According to Chee, couples with children under 5 years old are more open to reconcile or manage their relationship with counselling, whereas those with grown up children are more likely to separate.
If you wish to know more about marriage counselling, check out this list of services here.